The way we choose to talk about politics on social media is damaging our friendships and family relationships. I’m hoping to change it from my end.
I never want to blog about anything related to politics again. That isn’t what I started this personal writing project for and it isn’t what I want it to become. But these thoughts aren’t about politics per se, rather the following rambling is about the “unholy alliance” of an ever-polarized political landscape with the controversial Donald Trump as our elected leader, “filtered friends” and tribalist thinking, and democratized social media platforms where we humans often feel an urge (or a right? An obligation?) to be open and unguarded in what we say.
This isn’t about whether or not Trump should or should not be president, and it isn’t about what my political and social beliefs are or what yours should be. It isn’t about policy x or law b.
Hesitation is probably the best way I can describe how I feel trying to type this out and then thinking to actually publish it publicly. Hypocrite, Self-righteous, Holier-than-thou, Fake, Conceited, Narcissist, are all self-descriptors that have come to mind as I’ve written and re-written and tweaked and edited these thoughts, but I think Hesitation is probably more accurate.
There are too many issues that are divided into “teams” and the dialogue seems to leave no room for a position along a spectrum. Too many people are gatekeepers. No tolerance for a position on the other team. You cannot change your mind with new information. Compromise is isn’t just weakness, it’s cowardice and it’s reserved only for bottom-feeders without “principles.” That’s how it appears, anyway.
And while I can sit here and pontificate on the “macro” effects of social media and society all day long, I’m going to focus much more the “micro” effects. Rather, how it specifically has affected me, and my relationships and perceptions of my friends and even my own family.
It isn’t that people believe differently or think differently about things than I do. Not at all. It’s extremely important to associate with people who have differing – even diametrically opposed – positions than one’s own. It’s about how we choose to express those ideas.
I don’t know if the problem is that we forget, that we don’t know, or that we don’t care that our social media audiences aren’t comprised 100% of people who hold the same views; that among our social network that will see what we write are professional acquaintances, teachers, students, employers, employees, old friends, new friends, people who look up to us, people we look up to, and family members who hold differing opinions. Or, simply put, other human beings with human brains and human feelings who may justifiably feel attacked. Not this “choose to be offended” garbage. Legitimately and rightfully feeling attacked.
On my own Facebook feed, I’ve seen people who I’ve looked up to and loved all my life enthusiastically cheer on completely reprehensible material produced by shock-jocks and partisan hacks. I’ve seen them use words like, “look at all these stupid libtard special snowflakes,” “I can’t stand you racist and sexist Trump supporters,” “entitled millennial morons,” “pro-choice baby killers,” “cuck,” “liberal feminist crap,” “white supremacists,” “unwitting followers of Satan,” just to name a few. Many of these words used knowing that I and other people who hold the position they attack are a part of their network.
Sometimes, the trash is directed to me specifically. In a community-based Facebook forum, I was called a “fag” by a grown adult who I’ve known since I was a kid because of my opposition to LGBT discrimination. One family member made a political post, I commented with completely non-personal criticism of the position, and then this individual proceeded to humiliate me personally by publicly disclosing sensitive personal information and berating my personal life choices. In response to sharing my thoughts on the recent election, I got this lovely note in my Facebook inbox from yet another family member:
Look, again, I have no problem that I disagree with people. What is really bothering me is the way that we are talking to and about each other. About and to actual people in our lives who we know. I want to be clear that I am not counting myself innocent of all of this. I used to be a huge douchebag with the way I chose to communicate my political opinions. Lots of people liked what I had to say and I kept saying it. It felt good. However, over the last few years, my views on politics and other issues have shifted and so has the way I talk about them. I have tried actively to be able to be discuss and debate and criticize the ideas that are shared on my social media feeds, rather than the people who share them. Sometimes (thankfully, rarely) I mess up. For those who’ve been hurt by any personal criticism or insult I’ve made, I apologize and I want you to know that I’m actively working to prevent that happening moving forward.
What is really disturbing, though, are those friends and family of mine who continue to (with glee!) insult and smear and generalize their other friends and family members. I don’t mean the silly memes or the sarcasm or the gentle ribbing. That I can take, and, more often than not, I can also appreciate the humor in it (even if it is entirely without merit).
What I mean is the truly vitriolic, in your face, rude-and-I-don’t-care kind of language. I can’t really put my finger on why. I can think of some contributing factors, but as far as the real silver bullet I’m not sure.
Perhaps it is because our social media feeds filter the content delivered to us based on the things we like and agree with, making it difficult to see content that would otherwise lead us to adjust our opinion accordingly. Perhaps some people feel validated by the new President’s opinions and are emboldened to finally speak their mind. Perhaps it is in retaliation to feelings of oppression by their government or community. Perhaps it is in resistance against the PC police or the social justice warriors. Perhaps it is all of the “fake news” that really makes it difficult to discern fact from fiction. Perhaps we make politics too much about who we are.
Perhaps it is because people who have lived all their lives surrounded by (mostly) one way of thinking don’t understand how to deal with the exposure to diversity that social media has brought to them. Perhaps there are some people who just genuinely have no use for empathy, understanding, or for any opinion that would violate their “principles.” Perhaps they are sore losers. Perhaps they are sore winners. Perhaps some people have had nobody listen to them or give them validation of their opinions and now that they get a “like” or a “share” they finally feel validated and so they keep saying what they think people want to keep hearing. Perhaps we make politics too much about who other people are.
It could be many or one or none of those things. If I didn’t know some people outside of the context of social media, I would think they were some of the most horrendous people on the planet.
I just… I really don’t know for sure. I know I’ve felt most of the above emotions, and I’ve expressed them in ways I can’t say I’m very proud of.
“Well, James, I see you doing an awful lot of complaining and whining without offering any solutions.”
Okay, then (other than the fact that it is pretty silly to discount a complaint if it doesn’t come with a solution) prepare to be amazed because I have some relatively simple ideas on things that we can all do to make our young and new social media world a bit better for all of us.
4 Steps to Saving your Social (Media) Life.
Step One: Unlike and Unfollow.
You know those Facebook Pages that you follow? The ones with names like “Occupy Democrats” or “Conservative Nation”? Most of these pages are operated by people who get paid to spread (often intellectually bankrupt, but almost certainly never “friendly”) witty “viral” images, content, and ideas – and also a dissemination tool for “fake news.” Most of the time, these posts are incendiary – that is how they get you to share them and that is a way that we are destroying our communities and relationships. It doesn’t matter how many times they use the words “take our country back” or “patriot” or “unite” – it is about being divisive, that is the ultimate strategy. And it works – just see where Steve Bannon is now. You can lower your blood pressure and make social media a better place TODAY by hitting the “unlike” and “unfollow” buttons of these pages and people who peddle in riling us up against one another.I’ve done this, and I’ve noticed a difference in how I feel and what I talk about and share on my wall.
Step Two: Be thrifty with the power you give to other people.
By liking and sharing (and cheering!) content regularly produced by individuals, you are giving them power. You are telling them (and everyone in your social network) “I agree with what this person has to say, and I agree with how they are saying it.” Consider if you are comfortable saying what that person is saying to a friend or family member. Do you hold such a low opinion of the people in your network that you want them to see what you think of them by pushing the “like” – or worse, “share” – buttons?
Step Three: Edit yourself.
Despite what anybody says, there is no shame in editing your social media posts. You can edit what you say, you can delete other people’s comments, and you can delete entire posts. I recommend it. I’ve gone through and deleted/edited stuff that I regret saying, or things that other people said that I felt were inappropriate. Yeah, it may be a shady move to make edits to make yourself appear as if you have the upper hand in a debate, but I trust that if you’ve read this far then you understand what I mean. You have the power to control how other people see you on social media. You have the power to control what other people do in your own social media space. Use it.
Step Four: Imagine others complexly.
One thing that I’ve been especially working on – and that annoys me to absolutely no end – is broad over-generalizations. This step kind of comes in two parts. I take no issue with criticism of ideas or of public personalities. I think it is important to feel free to do so, especially in a political context. And even when it is done “disrespectfully” I’m not that bothered. “Politician X is a disgusting idiot” or “Celebrity Y is such a low-life” aren’t really the kinds of criticisms that bother me. I’m happier when the criticism is reasonable, but I recognize this is asking too much. But when we move the cross-hairs of our language onto our friends and family, this is where fractures happen. For me, anyway. If we can imagine that other people have lives and experiences and struggles and knowledge that forms opinions that are just as complex as our own, I think the world (let alone, social media) would be a bit of an easier place to live.
The second part is when we learn something about a person, and then in our minds we pick that person up and put them in a box. The walls of this box are opinions and ideas that we think that individual has, and we often don’t mentally allow them to deviate from that box we’ve made for them. Some examples:
“Perhaps the BLM movement has some merit.” “You think cops deserve to get shot? You think black-on-black crime isn’t a problem?”
“I think freedom of religion is important.” “You don’t believe in science? You don’t believe in radical islamic terror?”
“We should prioritize renewable energy.” “So you’re a tree hugger? Why do you drive a car, then you hypocrite?”
“I think there is room for improvement on gun safety.” “You want to take all our guns away? You think the government is your daddy now?”
“I think it is appropriate that capital gains tax is lower than income tax.” “So you think bankers should get away with all they did to contribute to the financial crisis?”
And the list goes on and on and on.
At the end of the day, I don’t know how to fix this problem. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know if what my friends and family say on social media is really who they are. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me because I feel this way. I don’t know how successful I will be in monitoring my own word choices and tone. When it comes up once in a while it is easy to dismiss, but when it happens frequently one begins to question how much one really knows about one’s friends and family. I don’t know if what I’m writing will make any sense to anyone else.
What I do know is this:
First, I know that seeing the way my friends and family choose to express their opinions breaks my heart. It used to make me angry. It used to insult me. It used to baffle me. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad because I’ve looked up to many of them for a very long time and now in a lot of ways I don’t anymore.
Second, I really feel an emotional disconnect from many friends and family that I’ve been physically disconnected from for a while. I don’t care that they believe differently than I do, but I do care that they choose to express their displeasure with what I believe in such a hurtful way. Thinking of being around them for much longer than stopping at the door for “trick-or-treat” or a quick pop-in at the upcoming class reunion (which, for many of the same reasons I’m kind of relieved I won’t be going. Is that a bad thing? Maybe I’ll feel better about the 20!) with a head nod and a “Sup. I see you got fat, too.”
Third, maybe the days when the only real forums for discussing politics were dinner parties, letters to the editor, and city hall were actually better for us as communities and families. Maybe it was better when we only saw our extended relatives once a year over a long weekend. Maybe it was better when I was a kid and I thought adults were actually mature and respectable people for the most part.
Fourth (and finally), I know that despite all the above, social media is an important tool to be using and I can’t just “quit” it. But to keep my sanity and and what personal relationships I have left intact, I’m going to need to make some careful decisions on how I use it and who I’m connected to. And that makes me sad, because I don’t like pushing “unfollow,” “unfriend,” or “block,” when it is somebody I know, and somebody that was once or is still an important person in my life.
Hello, my name is James.
I'm an Experience Chaser, Peanut-Gallery Philosopher, Serial Wantrepreneur, Devoted Daydreamer, Passionate Flavor Enthusiast, Amateur Family Historian, and Casual Photo & Film Hobbyist.
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